The Record Crate

Ladies and Gentlemen, the “The Worst Band of All Time That Everyone Can’t Get Enough Of” award goes to…The Kings of Leon! Come on down boys, bask in your mediocrity!

Their back story is clever: Two of them are brothers, the other two are their cousins. Dad’s a traveling evangelist whose lifestyle causes them to live out of their car. The bros rebel and dig rock music, even though it’s basically the most sacrilegious thing ever. Now they’re famous. But for what exactly?

Nothing about this band appeals to me. Most every article written about the band depicts four dudes who think their fans aren’t their “kind of people,” claim they dislike their rising stardom (yet can’t get enough of it), and enjoy the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle more so than anyone. If they are famous for anything, it should be this. Not their sorry excuse for “music.” I’ve had more fun listening to the background music in Macy’s. No one should ever enjoy listening to the background music in Macy’s.

The Queens of Leon are thought to play what some scholars call “Rock music.” Figuring that they use the same musical notes as every other rock band, there are only so many ways these notes can work together to make what are known to most people as “songs.” World War II historian Jack Fellows was once said that when Nazis were captured by rural African tribes, they would play the KOL song “Use Somebody” at full blast until the Nazis started answering their questions. The funny thing about this, is that these tribes were not electronically savvy. They would rather be caught dead than using technology, something about the way it works makes them think Satan does his work through electricity. They taught themselves how to use a CD player because they didn’t want to insult the tribe’s musicians by asking them to play the songs themselves.

Here’s my bottom line: I’ve heard everything on that record done by other bands before. And honestly, it sounded better before the Kings of Leon got their hands on it. Pop some more acid. Go light up another joint and smoke it during the same song every night you generic rock rectal itches you. I hate you and everything you stand for. You make me wish I was deaf.